Sunday, September 27, 2015

Buh-Bye Bernie and the Bern Outs, Hillary, Trump-Chumps and Ted-Bots

Separating the idiots from the not so idiotic

 Have we as a society become so extreme and polarized in our beliefs we don’t have the balls to say, “STFU” to people we kind of like in the political realm?

We all have our political beliefs, and we want to support the side we think is best, but many of us are too squeamish to call out all the true wack-a-doodles and stupid comments in our own party of choice.

The fact we have so many extremes and non-political politicians getting into the presidential fray, tells me most voters desperately want something different.

But we need to call “bullshit” when we see it.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Bernie-Carly-Ben-Chris-Hillary-Ted-And-Whoever-Else-I-Forgot-To-Put-On-The-List.

While we’re at it, can we send a big, STFU to all of us on social media, too? 

Seriously, do you think because you’re wearing a “Bernie for President” T-shirt on Facebook, that guy is gonna get elected? I’d love to check the tag on the back of that shirt to see what Asian sweatshop slaves made that shirt for the guy who says all that shit should be made in America. If that’s all it took to get someone in the Oval Office, then my yellow, Fonzie T-shirt I got in my Easter basket in the second grade and wore every other day would have propelled Henry Winkler to the White House years ago.

No offense to Bernie and the Bern-Outs, but this guy is an idiot. He’s banking on getting votes for people bad at math who no longer have enough money for lottery tickets. He’s hoping to get enough people who want enough free shit to vote for him before they figure out someone still has to pay for it. Nothing is free. It cost somebody something to make anything before it was given to you. I had to buy this computer before giving away this blog for free. That cost me money! The dumber people are the ones who demand college teachers be paid more money at state schools, then bitch when their tuition goes up to pay those higher salaries. They demand the school be free for students -- you know, so they can get a free education, graduate and get a free job where other people continue to pay for all that crap, but Lord knows it’s not them.So they will vote Bernie, who promises it all for free, which clearly shows why kids in Asian countries are kicking our asses in the math department.

Bernie also fails on my critical “Super China Buffet Stress Test,“ where you picture the political candidate at a Chinese buffet. Clearly, he’s the guy walking around baffled, touching the food and asking everyone loudly when the Crab Rangoon will be out, which clearly shows he’d be horrible and horribly ineffective in office. What? That political test doesn’t make sense and your “Free Shit” one does?

This doesn’t mean Bernie’s not a nice guy or a great man. I’ve seen memes on Facebook about him marching for Civil Rights and charting this course years ago. And if it’s on a Facebook meme, it’s got to be true. They aren’t allowed to do those if they aren’t true. But that doesn’t mean he’s not an idiot. Need more proof? Look at this video about B-B-B-B-Bernie and the Jets making demands on the Smithsonian to only sell American-made products. I made it easy for you. Yay for Bernie demanding America make trinkets again! That will make us strong! Don’t argue with me! STFU!

And before all you Ted-bots and Trump-Chumps start cackling on the right, you can STFU, too. Ooh, I might brand that: STFU2! I like that. Anywho …

Ted Cruz is worse because he’s not just an idiot, he’s an asshat. And Trump, he’s not just an asshat, he’s a really big asshat. All you knuckleheads saying, “Yeah, we need someone like Trump who will speak his mind!“ Are really just saying, “Yeah! We need an asshat in the Oval Office.”

I’m all about loving all people of all colors, but we don’t need an orange man in our White House.

Just use the head on your neck before propping up those two. No, Donald, you‘re not going to get all the Mexicans to build a wall around their country and get them to pay for it, to keep all the Mexicans out, but keep a space open just wide enough to get all your shirts and ties through that are made in Mexico and sold in Van Heusen outlet stores. And no, Ted, you cannot throw a hissy-fit and shut down government each time you don‘t get your way, like some 8-year-old kid throwing a temper tantrum and taking his toys home from a play date. The only Cruz crazier than you is Tom, and he spells his last name differently to hide from Xenu. Plus your face looks weird. Hey, I‘m all about loving all people of all faces, but we don‘t need a face like that in our White House.

People like to say Ted is a man of conviction who won’t betray his conservative values. At my last count, that’s gotten us at least two government shutdowns. “Super China Buffet Stress Test”? He’s the guy hoarding all the Crab Rangoon from Bernie, while dipping his finger in the sweet and sour chicken to see if it’s still warm. That’s not presidential material.

Don’t get all comfy over there, Democrats. You were the dummies dreaming about another Clinton in the Oval Office (right after they change the sheets from Bill’s guests in the Lincoln bedroom). Yeah, she’s a senator, but what has she really done? She’s just a Hill on Capitol Hill, and the only thing she’s got a lock on is a concession speech because -- get this -- she’s just not likable. And Democrat or Republican, the person who runs for office has to come across as likable and approachable. If you approach Hillary, the only thing you would likely get is some scalding hot Crab Rangoon thrown in your face.

The only one who can possibly win everything on the Democrat side is Uncle Joe Biden, who could quite possibly steal this blog piece as part of his election campaign, should he choose to run. At this point, he can’t even decide if he should eat the Crab Rangoon or get a gyro across the street. Sorry, "I believe it’s pronounced Ji-Roh, Jim … ”

My prediction from a month ago still mostly stands: Biden gets the nomination for the Dems, but I’ll change his VP pick from Hillary to Elizabeth Warren. He comes across as likable, and she appeases the wack-a-doodle extremist crowd that also wants to see a woman somewhere on the grounds of the White House not called “First Lady.”

And all you others on the list? I'll get to you later. I'm just running out of room and getting hungry. I'd rather eat breakfast than make this column any bigger.

The Republicans still have a lot of whittling to do, but Georg Pataki, Bobby Jindal and a couple more will still drop before Iowa. My prediction for the final five in no particular order: Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson. And Chris Christie, so maybe everybody should start hiding the Crab Rangoon.