Meanderings and Musings of a Cluttered Mind

May 8, 2012             Nine months and a day.             That’s how long it’s been since Devin was killed.             It didn’t hit me until last night about 9 p.m., as I was ironing my clothes. I said something to Ruth about it.             “I know,” she said quietly.             And for the nine-month anniversary of his death, Devin came to me in a dream last night. Don’t know if I can call these kinds of dreams a vision like the one on 80 th Street. That night, and the feeling of Devin being with us on Thanksgiving remain the strongest form of a connection I’ve had with him since his death. They were beyond mere dreams or coincidences.           ...

Shadow desperately wants to become a father. But since he doesn't have opposable thumbs to search the Internet for foreign offspring, it's doubtful he'll be adopting puppies from China anytime soon. And, sad to say for Shadow, having offspring of his own the old-fashioned way isn't going to happen since we, ahem, took him to that trip to Disneyland a few years ago. It's just that nobody told him. So he tries. Everyday. With our other dog, Sandy. Who also won't ever be having puppies. We get our dogs from the shelter, and it's a prerequisite when you take one out of one of those cages, you don't set them up for a litter of six or seven puppies to get thrown back in when a family gets tired of them. She gets it. "You're spayed," and "Stay," sound alike to her, and she's never had an interest in becoming a Mommy, which just makes her bitchy and pissed off when Shadow tries to change her mind. Even if Shadow tried to be ro...

Instead of picking up with Chapter 8, I surprised myself by writing this. Sat down to jot down a few sentences, and this is part of what came out. May 2, 2012             Found some pictures of Devin on the digital camera today.             Couldn’t help but talk to him out loud.             “Devin, why’d you die?”             Sometimes – no, check that, usually every night -- when I let the dogs into the backyard for their last pee of the evening, I like to stare into the yard, then stare up into space and just wonder.             I wonder where Heaven is. I wonder if it’s all around us. I wonder what Devin is doing and how it all looks to him, far removed from this Earth. I think of regrets and I th...