Trying to make puppies with nothing at all

Shadow desperately wants to become a father.

But since he doesn't have opposable thumbs to search the Internet for foreign offspring, it's doubtful he'll be adopting puppies from China anytime soon.

And, sad to say for Shadow, having offspring of his own the old-fashioned way isn't going to happen since we, ahem, took him to that trip to Disneyland a few years ago. It's just that nobody told him.

So he tries. Everyday. With our other dog, Sandy. Who also won't ever be having puppies. We get our dogs from the shelter, and it's a prerequisite when you take one out of one of those cages, you don't set them up for a litter of six or seven puppies to get thrown back in when a family gets tired of them.

She gets it. "You're spayed," and "Stay," sound alike to her, and she's never had an interest in becoming a Mommy, which just makes her bitchy and pissed off when Shadow tries to change her mind. Even if Shadow tried to be romantic and light some candles, play a little Barry White and give her a copy of "50 Shades of Grey," she'd think it's just a book about her vision.

Shadow understands simple commands like, "Stay," and "Play dead," but apparently the phrase, "You were neutered and don't have any ability to make puppies, so for the love of God will you please quit humping Sandy!" is totally lost on him.

I'm not even sure he did well in sex ed. Usually he's happy to be trying this in the vicinity of Sandy. Other times, it's just with the air and she's in another room or walking away. Maybe it would help if he learned how to brush his teeth. Shadow ...  dude ... your breath is atrocious. Maybe that's the problem she walks away. I know, again, with the lack of opposable thumbs. Sorry, bud.

I always thought once there was a thwacking of said parts that dogs would naturally not have an interest in procreation.  Maybe he just doesn't know. He's kind of a large, lumbering beast that is part Lab/part Shepherd. I've had male ambidextrous dogs who used to be able to do the reach and lick, but maybe he's not built like that and just can't see he doesn't have the parts.




Comments

  1. Dan PavelichMay 6, 2012 at 8:09 AM

    I tried to read this post, really, I did...but that damn Air Supply song kept going through my head after I read your title.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MeatballMay 6, 2012 at 8:46 AM

    my girl dog humps everything...whats up with that?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Typing and thinking out loudMay 6, 2012 at 10:55 AM

    Perhaps Shadow should play some Air Supply. Maybe that would put Sandy in the mood.

    ReplyDelete

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