Filling my desk with minty fresh goodness

For reasons totally unbeknownst to me, I have two tubes of toothpaste in my top desk drawer.

One I could understand and easily explain.

Two? That seems a bit excessive.

One is your basic Colgate and promises "Cavity protection," and, "Great, Regular Flavor." The other is Colgate Total with mint stripe and promises to PREVENT cavities. That's a pretty bold statement. It's like the Navy SEALS of tooth defense, while the regular stuff is like Mall Cop Protection. Not only that, but the Total stuff also prevents plaque and gingivitis, not to be confused with Newt Gingrich. Though, now that I think about it, I'd pay extra for a toothpaste that prevents Newt Gingrich.

While we're on the topic, plaque prevention shouldn't be confused with, you know, plaque prevention. Back in my Air Force days you could always tell the high-speed, super troops by their collection of "I Love Me" awards on the wall, as opposed to those who were never good enough to get awards. Turns out, maybe the other group without awards just brushed with plaque prevention toothpaste.

Anywho, I guess it should make my dentist, Pete, happy that I care so deeply about my dental hygiene that I keep two tubes of toothpaste in my desk drawer (yes, I even wrote a blog about Pete), but it still makes me wonder what I was thinking. Was I feeling humble and low-key the day I bought the regular stuff, and all uppity and thinking I was special when I bought the Total package toothpaste for the Total Package Gary?

And who dreamed up the name "Regular Flavor" for the plain, old Colgate? There is no such flavor known to man as "Regular." Someone in their marketing department was clearly not paying attention when they were throwing out names for that toothpaste. Makes me think of the people sitting in first class on the airplane, all smug with their free drink and bag of pretzels while the flight attendant says, "No, Mr. Kunich ... you're back here ... in the regular seats ... "

This whole thing probably puts Colgate in a marketing quandary. When you have regular-flavored toothpaste, the only thing you can possibly do is come out with a better tasting paste and a label that says, "New and improved flavor!" But then, does Colgate want to advertise a better flavor? Isn't that just admitting the regular flavor was crap? Nobody wants to think they are brushing their teeth with crap.

As it turns out, maybe crap is better than the other stuff because the regular Colgate actually has 0.76 percent monofluorophosphate with 0.15 percent fluoride ion, while the Total has only .024 percent sodium fluoride and 0.14 percent fluoride ion. However, the Total also has 0.30 percent Triclosan, which might be the scientific word for "mint stripe." It just sounds to me like the regular stuff has more stuff in it, which could probably be double-checked with a Google search, but I don't feel like putting that much effort into this blog post.

I realize there is a fine line here. You gotta make the toothpaste taste OK, especially if you're dealing with kids. In my day, we were happy with the Aim. Nowadays, the kids need all the crazy flavors like orange and cinnamon and bubblegum, which only causes stupid kids to start eating and chewing the toothpaste like it's some kind of goofy snack. Look, dental floss is supposed to taste like cinnamon, and toothpaste is supposed to taste like regular, and that's the way Colgate designed it ... unless of course you want your toothpaste to taste like a McDonald's Shamrock Shake, and then you get the highfalutin stuff with the mint stripe.

I still don't know why the hell I have two tubes of toothpaste in my desk drawer.

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